At least through my innocent and naive eyes, everything looked like it was going to be a great year… ah, two thousand and fourteen. New relationship, amazing job, great family, new members in the family (my gorgeous nephew), vacations, and more.
It all started early in 2014, I got involved with the most toxic person I’ve ever met. It’s funny how, deep inside, you know… you always know. But you always hope, too. So, I went in… and got into the most unhealthy relationship I’ve ever been in. I had no clue, but this person was completely damaged… insecure, needy, co-dependent, and more.
At first, everything is pink and lovely. It was amazing, almost as if it were unreal. But then, month number two, something didn’t feel right. It was too soon to be feeling something wasn’t right. I wasn’t happy. My mood was not the same, I was always worried… I carried on with the relationship, with my absorbent and needy partner. Always making me feel not sure about anything, not only in our relationship, but in everything in my life. Making me an insecure and intense person. I was always looking for something wrong, always trying to find out if the person was telling me the truth and being faithful. My trust was broken with this person even before I got into the relationship, only I didn’t quite realize it yet.
This person, didn’t care about me or my life at all. And I couldn’t see it. I had events, compromises, things that I wanted to share with my partner, and they didn’t care. They decided to do as they pleased, and when this happened, I got hurt. It also took a lot of time for me to realize this, because sometimes, we have faith and we try so hard to make things work and make things okay, when what we should really do is end it. We sometimes put commas where dots are needed. We carry on with a relationship, a job, a career, a friend… that only hurts us.
Besides the toxic relationship I had developed with my partner, things at home didn’t look so good. Something happened that made me lose my faith and my trust. Something disappointed me in a way that I will never forget. A day changed my life.
I started going to therapy. I’ve always been in favor of this… some people think it’s only for “crazy people”. But the truth is, not only is everybody in some sense crazy, buy I always find it useful and wonderful to tell my problems to someone who doesn’t know me, or “care” about me, so they can give me a reasonable point of view without a biased opinion. Someone prepared, who will help you sort out any kind of situations that may present in your life… good or bad.
I finally started to notice the “toxic-ness” of my relationship and my partner. But I still didn’t call it quits. I tried and tried to make it work, and the only thing that happened was it made it all worse. I ended up feeling like I was becoming a crazy person. And that’s what my partner did. My partner’s co-dependence made me feel crazy, intense, suspicious… it made me an unhappy person. I dropped 15 pounds in less than two months, I had no appetite. My nervous system broke down. I, literally, got sick. My partner’s illness made me sick.
Things ended pretty badly. Not in a way I usually sort out my problems or situations in life. I was a whole other person. I was scared because I realized I felt like I didn’t even knew myself… I felt I lost myself in the way. And this, is the worst feeling I’ve ever encountered.
After everything happened, the most random people came up to me and said stuff they knew about my partner. Everything had been a lie. My partner talked to other people while we were together, talked bad about me behind my back, made me look as if I were a jealous and controlling partner, which might be true, as my partner was the one that made me become this way. It was the worst feeling… realizing I’d been in a relationship full of lies said to my face. Everything had been a lie. My partner didn’t love me, nos because of who I am, but because my partner couldn’t love me. My partner didn’t know how. The illness is something beyond what I can explain in these words, this person needs attention, needs to feed from different people to not feel alone. And it will be like this forever. Theres a great lack of love in this person that if you can’t or don’t know how to love yourself, it is impossible to be able to love somebody else.
I do not take it personal. It could have been me, or somebody else, or the next… and it would have been the same story. This person doesn’t know how to love. But still, not taking it personal, and removing completely this toxic person from my life, it feels awful. I was hurt. Pretty bad. And even with the situation that happened in my family, the person didn’t care. My partner was going to do exactly the same thing to me.
I was disgusted, having to deal with such a toxic and sick person. Everyone I met through this person has no meaning to me. Everyone was the same. Nobody cared about anyone but themselves… dishonest, arrogant and careless.
I feel liberated, a huge weigh was taken off of me. It’s not easy, I still think about everything that happened and the way it did and I wish I’d listened to my gut months ago. Or even before I got into this relationship.
What’s next? Myself. I still have a lot to work on with myself. I have to work on becoming myself 100% again. Give myself some time, alone… read a good book, walk my dog, enjoy my own company. Be more selective, listen to my gut, get rid of toxic people, stay close to my family, to the people who are nice, honest, and full of love… to the people who have proven to me they are good friends. Do everything with love, take care of myself and my dignity, stay honest, stay creative, enjoy what I do, learn to be by myself. Learn from my mistakes, learn from everything that has happened. Open my own eyes. Life will always be full of triumphs as well as misfortunes. It can be today, it can be about me, a loved one, a friend, a family member, my future children… it can be anything. Dishonesty at work, somebody stealing from me, somebody passing away, somebody or even me getting sick… anything. Life is full of things that happen. It sounds funny, but there is always something going on. Always. And that’s life, we should be aware of this and learn how to handle it and how life works.
But always, staying positive and full of love. There’s no way something can go wrong when you’re full of love. And the most important kind of love is the one you give to yourself first.
I really do hope 2015 will be a better year.