I’d like my heart to stay naive.

They say overthinking kills you. I’ve done some of this lately and I’ve  come up with some good conclusions about life and people and how people react to certain circumstances. After analyzing this, I’ve found out things that now make me happier and make me understand certain behaviors in a better and clearer way.

When we’re in a certain point in any kind of relationship with someone, we start to wonder, why we’re there and if we’re truly happy. Sometimes this might take days and you quickly put yourself in a better place, but sometimes it can take months or even years. I had to find a way to quickly pick up red lights that would make me analyze events and people so I can decide to leave or stay.

My last story was one where I left. I’ve got to understand that people talk and people lie. I used to be the kind of person that whomever I met instantly had my trust, until they proved otherwise. Now, it’s the other way around… gain my trust, and you can have me… and I will believe in you and trust you forever. This changed because I got hurt a lot. My heart and my feelings are always intense, wether it’s good or bad news… they’re intense. My heart works in weird ways, but the best part is, even if I get truly hurt, I am able to love really hard again. I believe this is wonderful, I admire my heart for it. Although it might get crushed a million times, it still gets up and gives everything… and when it does, it’s amazing.

My heart got crushed recently. Why? Because people talk. People build up a whole castle with words and intertwine you in their stories. But when they act? Nothing makes sense. Their actions do not match their words. But words… words are powerful, possibly the most powerful drug used by humans. Like Depeche Mode once sang: ‘words like violence, break the silence, come crashing in into my little world, painful to me, pierce right through me… words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm…’

It’s the actions that count. Yes, I know, stupid cliché ‘actions speak louder than words’. Never in my life had this bean clearer.

You met me, you wrap me around your wits, you discuss life, death, and the shortness of life itself, you tell me: “I’d say I’m in love but it’s too soon…”, and then… then you leave. I never said anything, I never expected anything, but after a bunch of meaningless words, you made me expect something. But suddenly,  no one’s ready for commitment, for truly being with a person who makes them feel like no other person has made them feel… of course, I write all of this, and I say to myself: ‘well it was all a lie, can’t you see? Everybody lies. Haven’t you understood how this all works?’ No. I haven’t, my heart is caring, it’s naive even after it gets hurt. My heart wants to love like it’s the first time I’ve fallen in love. It wants to feel butterflies like it’s 15 years old. And although it builds expectations and feelings higher than the sky and then bellyflops again on the ground, it recovers. Maybe not with you, but it does. And I’m happy it does. For when the right person comes, I’ll know, and my heart won’t be a beaten up heart, thrown and broken a thousand times. No. It will be a caring, lovely, and naive one. Ready to love like it’s the first time.

I analyzed this person completely. After everything that happened. Words are supposedly a big part of you and your life. You define yourself as a deep and profound person, as a person that has a way of perceiving how fast life ends… all because you couldn’t let go of past events. Life is all about learning to let go. You’re a person who supposedly gives themselves away when they truly like or love someone. These words all turned out to be false when you acted. I came to think, you weren’t even happy. An unhappy person can bring you down. You had to escape your every days by running away and shutting yourself down while riding a bike on the mountains. I know, lovely. And you must’ve seen the most incredible views… but I wouldn’t say that was an escape, I’d say: ‘that’s a wonderful way to clear my head and feel free.’

Why do you have to escape your life everyday? What is so wrong with your life that you have to run away? I would concentrate on making my life amazing, a life I didn’t have to escape from. A person who is like this will think of all the bad things that may happen even before anything – good or bad – has yet happened. They see the greatness in you but immediately think about the worst that’s gonna happen. So they back off. Because it’s safe, because it looks safer.

I know why you didn’t have a chance to stay with me. You’d bring me down, you would have drowned me. A person who isn’t happy with themselves cannot be happy with somebody else.

Surround yourself with positive, happy, and successful people. Make your life wonderful. Make your present wonderful. You’re HERE right NOW. It’s the only moment you have. Seize it (I know, another cliché). Seize it, because it’s the only thing you have right now. You can’t live from your past or wondering what the future might look like because you don’t know what the future will bring and you can’t control the past. But you can work on today so one day when you’re in you’re future and you look back you’ll have truly wonderful memories.

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